Ranting, Raging and Why Beets Must Die

Well, hello there, fellow webber; non-existent reader(if you are reading this, congratulations on finding one of the most obscure and putrescent corners of the internet, only beaten by the ever so fabulous MySpace). I've been wanting to start a blog for about half a quarter of a quarter of a century(not completely accurate, but that's life) and just rant about stuff. You know, right? Like what every person does in a blog?

Honestly, what other thing do you do on a blog other than blatantly rant about your opinions without the real life harassment? What's that? Close minded? Me? It's my opinion, and I'll do it without any of the real life harassment! See?! I love blogging!

 I'm obviously kidding, but you gotta admit the most entertaining blogs are the ones were the person writing it is frighteningly passionate about said rage ranting subject. I mean, someone who hates everything about beets with all their soul could actually make beets interesting! Whereas a blog about beet facts can make you want to jump off a building or make you question your life in general. Here's an example:

Normal Boring Fact Blog(For Lifeless Beet Enthusiasts!): Beets are great for you! They have lots of vitamins and minerals like potassium, vitamin B and C, beta-carotene, beta-cyanide(I know right?!) and more complicated-sounding healthy stuff that you probably don't even know what use they have in your body! Do you have erectile dysfunction? GREAT! Beets can fix that! Beets will change your life![Just as a side note, yes I did look it up, beets can in fact help you get it up. Now I'm questioning my life in general...]

Now, someone who follows a blog like this and reads it is either: 1. Dead inside or 2. Has erectile dysfunction and has searched for countless hours for a solution without having to show up at a doctor and show his ABHORRENT ABNORMALITY... no, but seriously, just go to a doctor. I'd much rather have a doctor look at my junk than to show people my beet-searching internet history. It's less embarrassing. Now here's an example of a rage rant blog, about the same subject:

Why Everything Even Remotely Related to Beets Must Die: F**K BEETS!!!1!1! You know what beets are good for??? NOTHING!!! WHAT IN THE GOOD F**K AM I GOING TO DO WITH BETA-CAROTENE IN MY BODY??? WILL IT HELP ME GET A JOB AND PAY FOR MY FUTURE ELDERLY HOME?? DIDN'T THINK SO!!1!! YARRRGHHH!!!*

*This is the undeniable noise they're making while typing this rant. 

See the difference? No matter how close minded and directionless the blog is, seeing someone rage over anything is entertaining! Whether it be beets or women rights, it's funny to see someone get mad at...well, nothing?

Don't you see? They're literally arguing with no one(I'm including myself in the most probable future of this blog). I mean, there's no one on the other side of the computer screen saying: "Beets are in fact the best at helping you get it up." or "Women statistically outnumber the number of male graduates... You are indeed a sissy." It's just them typing away...angrily and making noises(this last one's not accurate, but it's funnier thinking they do).

But we don't know what experience they've had with beets, do we? Who knows if their evil Aunt Judy made them eat beets for breakfast, lunch, dinner or just for the lols! I mean, we could be reading a post-traumatic testimony about beets and that rage rant is helping them get through! Getting it all out! We shouldn't judge people's hate for vegetables.

There's a very fine line of funny and sad of someone raging over beets because they have some sort of beet-trauma.... But hell, if I had a beet-trauma, I'd welcome you to laugh at me! I'd probably cry myself to sleep later that night when my mom cooks beets, but no harm done.

Now let's get to the point I wanted to make at the start of this post: Ranting on a blog is pointless, but it's still fun. I plan to do my fair share of rants in the future of this blog... Now, you might be calling me a hypocrite for writing a whole post about it, but I'll have you know that I'm defending the ragers! The ones who feel it's their sworn duty to rage! It's entertaining to us!

So I'm planning to do rants without the Caps Lock overdose, but if one day I wake up to make pancakes and find no syrup or have too many socks stretched out on a morning rush, well hell, I probably will make a rage rant about how the universe abhors my very existence!

So I hope someone sticks around here and I hope to be writing soon! Farewell, and may the evil beets never cross your path!

                                                     

   -Doug