Unusual Day Entry #1: Different Bathroom Stalls, Same Objective

Ho-boy, listen to this! Another entry to my log! I had eaten Panda Express the day before yesterday and my stomach was a nuclear ravaged wasteland of warfare the next morning. It happens every time I eat at that place, and dammit, it is worth it!

Anyways, I came to my school with the urge of just running away and going to a private, secluded place and do my business. However, since I'm a good boy and don't do drugs, I stayed in school! I was a walking disaster of unfulfilled desires. I was clenching and cringing and trying not to scream in agony. And the day, needless to say, was as slow as (wait for it) constipation.

Look, I prefer private bathrooms, like a lot of people do but if I gotta go I gotta go. The thing is, at school it's a whole different thing. It's a quest of doing your job silently and precisely. It's not a thing of pride, it's more of the nature of the school. In a public bathroom at a mall, I'll do all the noise I can! Hell, I'll start drumming on my thighs and I'll repeatedly punch the bathroom stall door and yell Indian chants! But at school, it's almost like a silent, mutual policy to be never heard.

So the inevitable hour came. Where I couldn't resist any longer and was 100% sure the next wave of pain would be too much. So I asked my teacher. He was discussing something so I couldn't quite get his attention. After like 3 minutes of the pain coming back and me almost sweating, he finally looks at me and lets me go.

I didn't run. That's part of the "Silent Policy". You can't let people know you're about to take the biggest deuce of your life, or you'll break the rules. About halfway to the bathroom I see a dude who I kind of know, also walking towards the bathroom. In my mind I'm thinking: "Great. Now I have this guy to worry about." Okay. No worries. I've done this before.

So I enter the bathroom and go straight to the urinal. I try to make it last so when he leaves, I'll go into the stall.

Okay, before I continue, let me explain something real quick. My school doesn't have toilet paper rolls for each stall. It has a big one outside, near the sink, so you have to stockpile like a refugee to then use after you're finished. It's the stupidest thing ever and it always leaves me wondering what happens if you run out of toilet paper in the stall.

Now, moving on. When I turn from the urinal I see the dude stockpiling toilet paper. Now, I usually don't care for awkward moments or am not affected by them, but goddamn. Us storing toilet paper while trying not to make eye contact was pretty awkward.

After we're finished piling up, he says something about leaving his class and hurrying up (See, right there he broke the silent code! He shouldn't speak of it! ). This didn't make it more awkward, just more embarrassing than it had to be. We went inside our stalls, and that's when I realized, we were in this together. We were both doing the same thing. Jesus, I get crummy just thinking about it.

The creepily precise moment when we both come out of our stalls at the same time was what made believe in fate. Seriously, have in mind that my intestines where having freaking World War Z. I was probably in there for a fair amount of time. So, we both had the same state of pain and misery I could estimate. Or maybe he's slow. Ugh, who cares? God, it's over. Stop thinking about it.

Anyways, after we're done, we had a small and a mildly amusing talk about how they should change that toilet paper storing thing. Now, right there, we kind of broke the code. But you know what? I don't care!  We had the same thing in mind and I feel we went on a mental agreement to never speak of this again. Our friendship status went from acquaintances to bathroom stall close acquaintances!

I'm writing this because there's a moral here. Never be ashamed of your humanity and that awkward moments are only awkward if you make 'em awkward. I kind of hate that word, so I'll stop using it. Anyways guys, be human and remember the toilet's only reason is to flush down waste.

So...why haven't flushed down #swaggers yet?

-Doug

Remember "Twitter Whore"?

Hey guys! Do you remember when calling people "twitter whores" was a thing, and now it's kind of the norm to be twitter whore-ish? It kind of lost its meaning like "Groovy" or "Hannah Montana".

Don't get me wrong, it's not that I'm against people tweeting constantly or that I ever found that phrase derogatory, I mean, that's what Twitter is for, right? I always think of Twitter as the equivalent of  a Facebook User on cocaine. I know right? Good luck getting that deep metaphor out of your head!

Anyways, I think "Twitter Whore" should be given a new definition. Instead of it being a person who tweets constantly, since that's the whole point of it(nowadays anyways), it's someone who takes Twitter way too seriously.

Let me explain myself. Someone who takes Twitter too seriously is someone who's life rotates around the social network. It's someone who brags about their followers to people even though not even  Jesus Christ cares. It's someone who devotes to make their life "interesting", not for themselves, but for the oh-so-faithful followers. The person breathes Twitter! They'll make babies with Twitter!Well, you get the picture.

This applies to any social network, by the way.

    Insert social network name      Whore  <--- As you can see in my very detailed formula, the laws of whore-ism does indeed apply to any social network. YES! Even Blogger! Though, I'm not sure if it's really considered a social network by many.

I guess I focused on Twitter because that's where I really first heard the term and I remember that word being thrown here and there. AND it's one of my most recent experiences. Let's call this human, Minty. Minty started telling me about their followers and who retweeted what and whose twat. I DON'T CARE! NOBODY DOES! Other Twitter Whores do! Go tell them and brag about your cybernetic digits that represent people clicking a button that represents that you're being followed! They'll join your Twitter posy!

One could always ignore these things, but it's sad to see someone take so much goddamn importance about a social network. I don't want to sound like a crotchety old man but it is sad! Social networks are great and fun, but don't live for it.

So with my formula, you can apply it anywhere you want! I'll call it "The First Law of Whore Relativity". So go out and don't be stuck behind a social network! Now if you'll excuse me, I'll be in my locked, dark room writing more posts and crying about how I couldn't win the lottery for the seventeenth time! That's what...social people do, right?

-Doug